dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
