i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
