Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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