Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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