No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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