god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We need a shit load of segways right now
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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