i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
