I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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