glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
zippers are such a cool invention
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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