If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
