sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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