The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
