I cockslap morals
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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