We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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