just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
