She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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