I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
