So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
