she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
