I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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