Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
