Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
