Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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