i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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