Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
