is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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