you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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