I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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