I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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