ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
