I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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