Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
