i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
