I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
