Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
