I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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