Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
