I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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