Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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