Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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