i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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