someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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