So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she pinky promised me she was 18
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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