they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
