I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
