It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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