Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
