It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
