I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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