I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
