3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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