Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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